Question #3
I say the messages I received are about everyone for themselves and basically coming from an individualistic approach to do whatever one needs to do to get ahead in life. Growing up in a collective society for half of my life now before arriving in the US, these messages do not align with my own and I have found myself adapting into the individualistic narrative at times so I try hard to keep myself in check and surround myself with people who can keep me accountable. I would have to admit my ability to see and adapt a more collective approach to my everyday life efforts is something that I recently started practicing more or coming back to thanks information I continue to learn in college.
I should find a White dude who is much bigger than me so that I can be his submissive partner. But also, as a gay man, a lot of popular Filipino media growing up told me that any relationships with other men are sinful and will at the most, be secrets. These messages were congruent to my past relationships in that I did feel that they had to be secrets and that I was socialized into wanting to date White guys for a lot of my dating life. The incongruence lies in my resentment towards being whitewashed and socialized into finding cookie cutter White boys attractive through popular media.
As a darker-skinned black woman there isn't really a lot of representation when it comes to romantic relationships. As someone who grew up in a black majority community, I find these messages to be inconsistent with the idea that black women cannot find love, but pretty consistent with the challenges that darker-skinned black woman have with finding romantic relationships which center around colorism.
Media makes it seem a lot easier to meet LGBTQ+ people in real life. That because I identify as female I should be the one being taken care of in a relationship. That at some point the one you’re with will cheat on you with someone you both know. I’m learning everyday that what the media shows is almost never consistent with what I believe or who I am. Each relationship is unique to the individuals in them and I’m learning that who I am doesn’t have to match what the media shows.
As low SES, always using people and being “resourceful” to get whatever I can.
As queer, serial monogamy or lots of casual sex or highly emotional relationships. As a person with a mental health dx, always needing from other people. Again, quite inconsistent. Most of my general relationships are mutual or one-sides in the opposite direction (giving more). I’ve never been partnered or experienced partnered sex. I’m more consistently in a supporting or caretaking role (in part because of counseling profession). The media mainly depicts romantic relationships. While there’s some representation of friendships and other platonic relationships, the focus seems to be on romantic relationships between men and women, which is a message in itself. The main message seems to be that romantic relationships are almost always between a “stereotypical” man and woman. Traditional gender and relationship roles are the norm and the most accepted. These messages are not at all consistent with my identities and relationships.
I've taken in a lot of media which display a wide range of relationships to the audience and they are also often presented in different lights. Given this, it's hard to say what popular media is telling me about what they "should" look like. However, thinking about the most popular movies & songs, I think there is usually a hyperfixation on sex, with other things coming second.
Well, I guess first is that media and religion both say that the only point of life is to get married and have children. Doesn't matter if you discover an element or earn a doctorate or become a best-selling novelist; the only thing that really matters is that you pick an opposite sex person, ideally, to marry and procreate with. While dates will happen, like over coffee or meals, also seems like there's an expectation for physical stuff & sex as early as the third date in the US; other countries seem to wait longer for that first sexual experience with a partner from what I've read. Also, there's an expectation that marriage should last until one partner dies, because divorce is frowned upon in part due to religion and part society, which is in part due to the multitude of Christian believers in this society, etc. And that sex is a non-negotiable guarantee that must happen in romantic relationships and marriages.
So, I'm not sure I want a romantic and / or sexual relationship, but I also don't know if I can afford not to be in one. I feel that I'm sex neutral & sex ambiguous, but I'm not fully sure, and I'm not sure if & how I might want to explore that. I would really need to trust a guy, but since there's an expectation of sex happening and happening early on in getting to know someone, I don't know if I want to put myself in a situation that could easily turn into an assault. And I don't want anyone to think I'm leading them on & withholding sex for some selfish purpose. I just don't feel a need or desire to date or get married or have kids at this point in my life. Plus, if I had a kid, I would need the father to have a hands-on approach to parenting. I'm highly introverted on top of everything, so the idea of always having other people nearby all the time is exhausting and daunting and overwhelming. And the emotional toll of child-raising typically falls to the mother, whether she wants it or not, and the same with cleaning the house, etc. Women are expected to get into relationships and marry, but they lose years off their lives with the physical and emotional toll of taking care of everyone, whereas men gain years, because they have someone taking care of them without returning the favor in equal measure in most instances. Man and women is the norm. Pretty consistent with my orientation but I appreciate differences.
Either that my partner has to worry about me cheating on them with another gender, or that I must be polyamorous. I do not cheat, and while my partner and I have discussed polyamory, it's not something we're engaged in.
That I should be in a traditional heterosexual relationship. The women I should be with are very feminine. In actuality, I’m with women who are very strong and powerful women.
Male-dominant and dependent & stay at home caregiver mom. I consider my relationships to not look like this and be equal.
I feel that my homosexual identity is strongly related to relationships. Since sexuality also tends to form during adolescence, there is transitional period (i.e. "coming out") which is frequently portrayed in media. There are messages associated with both this specific point in time, but also with relationships in a more static sense after this period. I will speak to transitional period relationships first.
My oldest relationships are those with my family, both immediate family such as parents & siblings and extended family. Media often portrays this interaction of homosexual identity and relationships as a stressful one, often life-altering. I find this interaction is consistent with my experience. My existing relationships were strongly impacted for a period, while those around me began to associate me with some of the cultural representations of homosexual men as I described above, which is where I found myself as well as described in the second prompt. Over time, however, I and those around me found that cultural representations of my identity were only others' portrayals which are separate from my own. During post-adolescence, a period in which I was attempting to align my identity with that portrayed in media, I found it difficult to create lasting relationships. I believe this was due to the fact I was living in a culture and identity that was not my own, and so I did not relate to those around me. Over time, as I learned more about myself, I was able to identify and establish firm relationships based on more than just my homosexual identity. In a more static sense, relationships, specifically romantic ones, are frequently portrayed by media to be shallow or in some cases, non-existent. Homeosexual man are often shown as "loners," keeping one close female friend. I partially relate to this portrayal in the sense I have an easy time forming relationships with those who identify as female, but never found myself seeking isolation from others. I've seen that romantic relationships are more important than platonic relationships, which is something I don't believe at all.
In Fiddler on The Roof, a famous play & movie about life on the Schtettle, a Jewish settlement in Eastern Europe / Russia, the main character, a father, expresses his disapproval of his daughter's marriage to a non-Jew. Judaism is traditionally inherited through matrilineal descent and marrying outside the faith used to be (and kind of maybe still is) discouraged. I've had to consider whether or not I want to seek out Jewish partners myself; my father has...suggested that I do so. So there's pressure that I do marry a Jewish woman, which I still have no idea how to deal with. A possible counterexample might come from the sitcom Community, where Annie Edison is Jewish, but never brings up any stigmas or parental pressure to date & marry non-Jews. On the other hand, while she is notably Jewish, adding a Menorah to the Christmas decorations is about as far as the show seems to explore that aspect of her. In contrast, Christianity is explored on the show several times through the lens of Shirley Bennett, a devout Christian woman.
That we typically should be with someone who also speaks Spanish. I consider these messages a little bit. My wife doesn't speak Spanish but is of Hispanic background which was important to me.
I'm in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, so it is consistent.
Submissive to partners. I do not find media messages consistent with who I am at all; I am definitely not submissive! As far as someone who is pansexual, I do not see this representation in media at all. There is definitely a visibility issue with people who are bi or pan.
Multiracial, Demi & Heterosexual, Demi & Heteroromantic, Secular Humanist, Unmarried, Childless6/20/2020
The US is a pronatalist society and being so I was accordingly fed the message: marriage and children is what you are meant and expected to do. The message about relationships was: women are not complete without them. At one time, I saw my end goal as becoming a wife and a mom. Even though I was committed to going to college and pursuing a career, nothing was as important as the roles I would take on to care for my husband and my children. I find very few examples in media of women who are marriage and child-free over 30 and who are celebrated and not begrudged or ostracized by those around them for doing so. Women exemplified as role models for their attributes and accomplishments like Michelle Obama, Angelina Jolie, and Serena Williams are applauded based on their ability to balance being supermoms and devoted wives along with high-powered lawyers, athletes, and activists.
Diverse sexuality is also poorly represented in media. Young people are often portrayed as reckless, impulsive, and hyper-sexual in popular media, which doesn't align with the beliefs or preferences of folks like me. The message about relationships was: you should be in one, it should be shared across social media, and you should be having a lot of sex. I spent a lot of time in high school and early in college confused about my sexual and romantic orientations because I knew who I was attracted to, but I didn't feel compelled to engage with them sexually or romantically in the same way, or particularly, at the same speed, as what I saw happening in the media for celebrities, on TV shows, and in magazines. I should have a cisgender partner. But to be honest, I have no preference. My parents want me to get married like my younger sister did and have kids. I am not planning to do any of those. I want to be sure in what I want before I do it. As Latina, I think people expect me to know a lot about my ancestry and culture, but I was born in America. Where they teach us nothing about my ancestry or culture. I get these messages everyday.
Bisexual people are very rarely represented in anything I see. In one movie I’ve seen it was actually decent, Call Me By Your Name. That made me feel validated and normal. As for being a bisexual female, I don’t tell many people. It puts me in danger, especially as I come from a conservative state.
There is only sex, not meaningful relationships. I am the exact opposite as I want a meaningful relationship and that is what I look for.
Popular media still largely reflects ideal healthy relationships as being between a man and a woman. Heterosexuals find true love, have families, and are successful in their relationships. My husband and I have been together for nearly 21 years and are raising a 16-year-old son we adopted when he was ten days old. We are the solid relationship when compared with my sister who has divorced.
Relationships should be heterosexual and well-rounded. Both people have good jobs, they start a family, the wife stays home and takes care of the children. I do not have that relationship at all. I have been with my partner for five years, not even close to getting married, definitely not having kids, and we both balance work and personal life.
I would have to say that the consistency of these messages with my identity are mixed. I do have a relatively monolithic friend circle that at times will have the token minority. I have had romantic relationships with people that were not just Asian, and in terms of ethnicity, I have had relationships with non-Chinese or non-Peruvian people. As stated prior, I am heterosexual and heteroromantic so that's consistent with the dominant group.
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